not a "REALLY GOOD" reason.

west point has asked me time & time again to identify the true reason of why i want to be in the army. for a long while, i refused to have a reason, almost as if i was too good TO have a reason; i just wanted a job & a degree. now that i'm in a better place holistically, i think i came to my answer.

of course, when i first joined rotc, the rotc scholarship paying for my school was a REALLY GOOD reason to stay. after a few months, i found REALLY GOOD people in rotc that made me feel like the teamwork would be worth staying for. when i got into west point, i thought the opportunity was REALLY GOOD, and worth seeing it through. at the end of the day, i just saw the army as just that: “REALLY GOOD”… & isn’t that a good enough reason to want to be in the army?

i thought the army was “really good”, even when times weren't really THAT GOOD, which for a long while, they weren’t for me. in those moments, it proved that "REALLY GOOD" was most definitely NOT enough. i refused to believe that the way i felt about the army for the past year & a half didn’t reflect in my behavior & actions, but it did. i got myself in a lot of trouble, in literally every aspect of my life: my grades were trash; i got into disciplinary trouble at EVERY LEVEL IMAGINABLE; & i didn’t take care about my health or my fitness AT ALL. this led to the people around me to believe that i was incapable of even finishing the year, & i was unimaginably, unequivocally, & unfortunately, cynical.

i have this tattoo on the back of my forearm, which I regularly get embarrassed about. the tattoo reads, “if you want to change the world, make your bed” with Admiral William McRaven's signature underneath it. when i got it, as a normal florida state student with loads of ambition & aspiration, the tattoo meant a lot to me. it meant a lot to me when i had the free will to choose whether or not i got to make my bed; whether or not i got to move my body: whether or not i got to eat a balanced meal or have a diabetically-worrisome meal; or whether or not i got to live up to my potential. since getting to west point, the tattoo just didn’t itch that part of me anymore. i was driven by the fear of not doing the right thing, rather than by my own willingness or desire to…the tattoo i thought was “REALLY GOOD" just made me look like a hypocrite. i didn’t want to make my bed anymore; i didn't really want to do anything anymore; i didn't want to go to school anymore; i didn't want to be in the army anymore...& most importantly, i didn’t even want to change the world anymore.

anyways, in one of Admiral McRaven's books, Make Your Bed, he talks about how you have to be your VERY best in the darkest moments. the idea was explained to readers through one of his anecdotes from navy seal training: a time in his life that he was physically asked to perform a difficult task in the dark & underwater. that lesson has always been a foundational pillar in my life, & at my darkest moment, i couldn’t even bring it out of myself to be my best or even try to be my best.

i went home for christmas, and, in my opinion, i'm the best under a florida sun. i took the two weeks away from west point, after getting myself to a place i never taught i'd never be in, to find myself again. after some much needed separation, & time, i came back to school & i was just ready to try to get back to who i believed myself to be—i mean, how hard could it be? when you’re at the bottom, and you've found a brand new rock bottom at 22, the only way is up.

now, we’re caught up to RIGHT NOW, & i finally have an answer to “why”, how exciting! here's how i came to my realization: so, i was sitting in the keller dfac, about to eat my breakfast, & i had been texting one my best friends of all time, ethan carr, throughout the morning. now that he has a big boy infantry job, we don’t talk as much, but when we do it ALWAYS reminds me of good times, better times. as we talked & went down memory lane, it hit me: i want to be in the army because all the people i have loved, will love, & now love will wear the exact same uniform i'm wearing right now. every time i put on my ocps, i am immediately reminded that my favorite people wear this uniform too, & something about that is so deep & entangled in my heart that it would make losing everything worth it.

when i put on my uniform, i am as close as i'll ever be to the people i love, & that’s more than i could ask for in the place i am in my life right now (which happens to be in the middle of nowhere new york). while it's not some patriotic reason, i believe it is what i have been called to do. my entire cadet career, i have been told over & over & over again that “the army needs people like me”, even when i was getting in every types of sideways trouble, & i’ve always HATED hearing that. i just didn’t really see what the army & i had to do with each other, especially when it felt like the army or its people didn’t even want me in it & it made me feel trapped. but i get it now, & i'm grateful that i have been loved so intentionally & intensely that i can feel it on my clothes so passionately that it sears through my skin & right back into my heart to refuel me.

with all my love,

♡steff